The Snake Theory
Being in the spotlight has never been something I've enjoyed. To be acknowledged and given your flowers sounds nice in theory, but the execution can cause quite the discomfort. At least for me it does. I guess while growing up I learned that having attention on you was a bad thing. Say you get in trouble at school. Not only is the teacher calling you out, but your classmates follow suit with their eyes and oohs. Even if it wasn't anything troublesome being committed on my end, capturing the attention of others (intentional or not) was deemed a form of showing out. I guess that's what they consider to be Tallest Poppy Syndrome.
As stated by Robert Gibson, "Tall Poppy Syndrome is a metaphor used to describe the practice of devaluing those who are particularly prominent or proud. It involves the societal inclination to cut down individuals who are experiencing success in larger volumes than what is considered the norm."
Now, I do not believe that I was experiencing out of the ordinary success as a child. I was fairly normal. Average. However, no matter what I did, it always seemed to be an issue. If I passed a test, "Oh, you just think you're so smart." If I didn't fall constantly while I was skating, not that I didn't fall at all, just not constantly, "Oh, you just think you're all that because you can skate." If I did my homework, not that it was right, I just took the time to do it, again, "Oh, you just think you're so smart." If I got picked to do something, I would have eyes boring holes into the sides of my head. If I experienced any form of success on any level and people found out, it was almost as if I would get shunned, which I now find funny, because those same people were always the quickest to brag and rub their achievements in people's faces.
I've struggled with Tallest Poppy Syndrome for a majority of my life. However, I am only now beginning to unravel the insecurities that were placed onto me as a child. I know that my wording may sound a little dramatic; yes, I know that I am not terminally ill *knocks on wood*. Nevertheless, these constant moments affected me greatly. I would constantly shrink myself for the comfort of other people, because I actually thought they meant what they were saying. I thought that somehow, by being myself, I was unintentionally making other people feel small, which is something I try to avoid doing (unless I'm having a petty moment). I'm sure now that they were just projecting onto me. The cost, however, was still pricey.
I've shrunk myself so much over the course of my life that it has done emotional and physical damage. Do you remember that example about the skating? Yeah, I would repeatedly fall on purpose to make other people feel better about the fact that they were learning how to skate. I would physically get injured to make other people feel better about themselves. Think about that. That's pitiful in more ways than one. Not too much on me, though. My intentions were in the right place.
My primary grievance was that I didn't want to ever make anyone feel small, because I know what it feels like to have people go out of their way to do that to you. However, when I vocalized these feelings for the first time a few months ago, I realized something important. The biggest difference between me and those people were intentions. They would go out of their way to make me and others feel small, whereas I would just exist and make people feel some type of way. Now, that latter part has everything to do with the boundaries of their ego. BUT, first, we must have a little discussion about snakes.
Snakes are a commonly feared animal. I mean, it's a limbless serpent. That sounds pretty crazy to me. Yet, as feared as they are, they normally stay to themselves. They are antisocial and try to avoid human contact, which, I mean, I feel them on that. They normally do not attack unless they are provoked, meaning: you either stepped to close, or you accidentally stepped on them. Now, please remember we weren't talking about snakes before.
Just as you might accidentally step too close to or on a snake, the same can be said about the boundaries of a person's ego. We all have one. We all get jelly sometimes. Even so, it's how you direct those emotions that matters the most. It doesn't take much to turn that envy into admiration. Just a little humility. However, when one's humility cannot be exercised because of the strength of their ego, they'll act just like a snake will and attack. It's reactive and not well thought out, which can explain why the behavior doesn't seem to make any sense.
Now we're on a journey with getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
P.S., I'm not here to give you an answer, I'm here to make you think.
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