The Prayer

  [8:26AM] 7/1/25

  "I prayed "The Prayer" a good minute ago, and it has come to pass. I have lost 5 people, 4 of which I was not particularly close to, but we were cordial and on good terms, or at least I believed that to be the case. I know that God doesn't move without reason, so I desire to know, what was the reason? In what ways were they bad for me? Or was I bad for them? 

    Lately, I've been taking a lot more notice of my faults and places that I fall short as a person. No one is perfect, so being flawed doesn't make you a bad character. But I can't help but wonder if I've worked myself up to be on a pedestal that doesn't actually represent me. Accurately represent me. Every part of me. Not just the cute overview I'm programmed to give. Maybe I've become so caught up in trying to sell myself to other people, that I didn't consider that me, as a product, isn't everything. I can't do everything. I can't be everything. At least, not all at once. I need to begin picking the traits and habits of the character I want to emulate. I don't want to be a facade. A shell. I want to be me with everything that comes with that. That's the hardest thing to do, but it's the only thing I can do. 

    Regardless of answers, I want to be so healed that I don't need them to find peace. Peace comes without. With lack. But it also comes with filling. With nourishment. Maybe I just need to find my mix. I don't know. Until." 

    Oftentimes we pray that the things that don't serve us anymore go away. It's even a running joke on social media; you pray the prayer and are shocked that it's delivered with expedited shipping. However, it's important to note that God's timing is not our timing. When He decides to remove something, it's because it's best for you that He removes it at that given time. That time may not be soon though, contrary to what social media likes to believe. Not until you've learned or acquired whatever you needed from that person or thing. With that being said, it's important not to assume that you've gotten a grasp of God's timing or can predict when or what change might occur. There's a difference between God putting something on your spirit and you anticipating what He might say. His voice is soft, so make sure that you allow Him space to speak over your life, instead of speaking for Him. That's not a burden for you to carry. When you lift that prayer up to God, you are asking Him to carry the weight of it, so why are you trying to fulfill it yourself? 

    In any case, I felt conviction in the areas that God wanted me to grow away from, as you can see from that journal entry. I prayed not only for Him to remove people, but the habits and behaviors that were keeping me from evolving as a person. I didn't factor in that it could include how I engaged with the people around me. I've always viewed myself as a nice person because my intentions were in the right place. However, actions have consequences regardless of intentions. And since this is a fresh revelation for me, it's now a matter of reconciling with those frayed edges. I am not a perfect human being, nor will I ever be. Even so, I believe that it's a part of our human nature to become more attuned with what makes us an individual and a member of the collective. It's our natural fuel. Yet, some people deviate from this disposition for reasons not yet established. And it is these people that can shift this nature if you allow it. 

    Because of this, make sure that you are mindful of what you allow to become your truth. There are Truths and then there are the truths that you can pick for yourself. Be mindful that they are coming from a place of care and understanding, not a place of hurt and offense. A lot of my behaviors that I've become aware can hurt others derives from the latter. This second, negative nature affects how we show up as an individual, and in turn, how we treat others. It's difficult to show up for others when you can barely show up for yourself. Therefore when you get caught up in unraveling and ironing out the after effects of that damaged side, it can lead to neglecting the communal side of existence. Try to find a balance that works for you, but remember that we all miss the mark sometimes. 

    P.S., I'm not here to give you answers, I'm here to make you think.