Heartbreak pt.II

     I took that break up terribly. I lost my appetite, began to lose weight, my anxiety and depressive episodes hit an all time high, I considered getting medicated, I considered the consequences of not doing anything and letting the feelings subdue me, I re-evaluated ALL of my perspectives on life, I questioned my faith, I cried constantly, I prayed on my hands and knees still choking back tears, and I shrouded my sadness in community until I felt better. I prayed for him back. I prayed that he would come back for me, pretty please. I prayed for a sign if we were meant to be. I prayed that if we weren’t, that the Lord would take my feelings away. They kind of went away. I began to find it difficult to want someone who so clearly did not want me. It was apparent. The way he would barely respond to my text messages if at all. The way he looked at me after not seeing each other for months. The way he was the one ready to end the conversation and leave, when it was always the other way around. And as much as I tried not necessarily to forget about him, but rather leave the past in the past, the more he would pop up somehow. I would see doppelgangers when I went to church. I’d hear his favorite songs playing on the radio or popping up in my playlists. I’d see his favorite movies being advertised. I could smell his cologne in the church pews. And when I’d try my best to block it all out, choosing to doomscroll instead of living in a reality filled with him, there he was again. Literally. He’d always pop up on my feed, which was strange to me, because he doesn’t even have social media. He was constantly being photographed on the housing page who, mind you, I went out of my way to unfollow for a reason.

Whoever that photographer is must love him, but I mean, what is there not to love? This sent me further into a spiral. Was God trying to tell me something or was the devil simply playing in my face? I decided to make a big move; I wanted to return a necklace that he had gifted me. I enjoyed wearing it, but it was an ugly reminder of what would never be. I told him I’d drop it off with anyone of his choosing. I didn’t want to give it to him directly and be sent spiraling again or possibly start crying, and I highly doubted he wanted to see me again. I already maxed out my visits when I returned something last time. So out of consideration for the both of us, I was dropping it off. He could give it to someone he genuinely cares about. So, this exchange requires that I take the necklace off, right? I went to do that, to finally let go, but I couldn’t seem to find the latch to release the clasp. I quickly gave up trying to find it, taking it as a sign that there could be hope for us. However, as time passed, I realized that whatever door I was looking for had been closed and sealed off for a while now. In defeat, I sat in front of my mirror fiddling with the clasp. The excess part of the chain that dangles when you wear it has wrapped itself around the clasp and the rest of the necklace. I twiddled my fingers against the fine metal, hoping that it would do something. It kind of did something. I’d managed to get the clasp undone, however, since the necklace is so fine and delicate, undoing those tangles was virtually impossible by my own means. I don’t know what to do now. Am I permanently attached to someone who doesn’t care about me or want me in their life at all, because that is a cruel joke. None of this is funny. I asked God if I should let go and this is what I get? Sick.